Getting Better

It's been a week since I had my early-life crisis. My meltdown consisted of self-loathing; on the part of which I seem to be the most socially awkward person when it comes to love. I don't know why I do it- fear of rejection I guess, if I were to put it in simple terms.

It's happened on several occasions where my friends get so frustrated with my awkwardness that they feel the need to start forcefully pushing me to talk to someone. The worst part is that after all of the embarrassment, it actually ends up going well. The entire time that I felt like I was being constricted by a boa was actually going to end up just fine. This time, it was the bassist of a band that was playing at The Depot. I had already talked to him, but this feeling comes powering out of me and I can't seem to process any meaningful thoughts or words. And my face turns red. And I run away. And my friends yell at me. And they start pushing me. And my body is in physical pain from the nerves that seem to be electrifying my body with a thousand bolts of unpleasant waves.

One time, Julian told me that I make my life too complicated. Of course, I looked at him like he was a crazy person. How or why could that make any sense? The ideal situation would be to have things simple, always working out in my favor. But after almost going to the brink of insanity, I did realize that I purposely destroy and ruin any relationship I have to work for; because it's easier to feel in control rather than trying and completely fucking up something up.

I am a noticeably difficult person to work with. People think that I'm well-composed and I have all of these brilliant fucking ideas on how to fix their lives/relationships, but when it comes down to it, I can't take my own advice. My problem isn't what I know to be smart, or right versus wrong. My problem is my own insecurities. I give people advice based off of who they are and what I know them to be. And honestly, all my friends are beautiful people that get most of the things that they want (and I don't feel this way about myself at all).

I'm changing and getting better about everything though. I was already aware of the fact that I string people along just because I can, and it's easy to. But when I actually feel something for someone, I seem unable to deal with it. It's really embarrassing sometimes. To not be able to say hi to someone without feeling the weight of the Earth crushing down on me.

February 2015

Besides the fact that I've been sick all week, I am the happiest I have been. I'm not happy because someone came into my life, I'm not doing anything crazy exciting, I'm just purely happy by myself (and it feels so good). I can't remember a time where I went along this fine in life. I don't cry when I'm drunk, I don't miss you all that much anymore, I started watching movies again, I'm eating alone, and it all surprisingly doesn't feel so alone.

The first weekend of February I spent back in LA, which was absolutely amazing. I spent that time laughing with my favorite people, running in the rain, eating gelato in a mustache wonderland.

Valentines weekend was a crazy amount of fun. On Friday the 13th, Kate, Aria, and I ran off to the Embarcadero to pick up Elliott. We found ourselves sneaking up to one of the floors of a random hotel and we sat there for nearly an hour, sitting on the floor, watching the cars and the city below. After we got Elliott, we ran around a few miles in search for donuts that we never found. We ended up drinking that night and it was crazy fun. I don't cry anymore when I drink. I ran around outside to the DSA, chasing some guy named Dash because I guess I thought we were soulmates or something. On Valentines day, Elliott, Aria, Theresa and I went to Castro and messed around in the sex stores. I'm still disturbed at the size of some dildos- is that even humanly possible to have sex with that?? Later on that night, Collin, Eva, Theresa, Ryan and I went on some midnight escapades throughout the city. At some point, we were sitting across the bridge in a sketchy forest and I was convinced that I was living a horror film. Anyways, the night was amazing. We went across the bridge and saw the city over the bay, we went to Twin Peaks (which is highly overrated), we closed our eyes and opened them when we were driving on the bridge, ended up at the Palace of Fine Arts and watched a proposal, and we went to Krispy Kreme and got donuts (perfect).

Sunday night, Theresa, Star and I went to Burgerama. Definitely not what I was expecting at all. I would describe it as a mixture of cult activities with 30-year-olds at a pizza party. Well, we got free masks out of it so that was a plus.

That Tuesday we went to some Mexican restaurant and we went salsa dancing right after. This was so much fun- I feel like towards the end of 2014 I started feeling insecure again. I moved in the weirdest ways possible and I didn't feel self conscious shaking it in my lame long sleeve t. The next day, Collin, Landon, Josh and I went to go  sell Landon's amp to possibly the most perfect man ever. We goofed off in Goodwill for a bit and got tacos and burritos on Haight. I'm pretty sure that Collin has feelings for me and it's really weirding me out because I always feel really uncomfortable about these situations. I wish people could be friends without wanting more.

Sam visited the following weekend (the 20th to the 21st). I was actually starting to get sick right before she visited, but knowing me, I just had to go out anyways which eventually lead me to dying in my room of bronchitis (I'll explain more later). The night that she visited, we went to a beach kickback. Things got kind of weird, but I guess alcohol and feelings aren't really a great mix (nor should they be a mix). At some point, Fade into You by Mazzy Star started playing and I hadn't listened to it in so long, and I just NEEDED to run away. But for some strange reason, my drunk self attracts people in the weirdest ways (even if I don't want it to). This night it was Elias that came running after me and I don't remember our conversation exactly, but it did get deep in personal at some point along the line. The next day, Sam and I ventured off all around SF. We went from strange donut burgers in a cute carnival-themed restaurant to the botanical gardens, made our way to a museum of Broken Relationships, and eventually to a fancy neighborhood for liquid nitrogen ice cream and sushi.

Since it's rearing towards the end of March now, I should probably give up on this post and just post it already since I've seemed to destroy the whole purpose of trying to remember my memories.

Emily's Birthday Weekend

I think that I'm finally alright with the idea that life won't always be rainbows and butterflies. That sometimes famous bassists won't be messaging me, wanting me to go to their concerts.

I've settled into having a more relaxed life and I am truly happy. I stopped being sad over love (because I really shouldn't be basing my entire life off of other people's happiness) and I am now on a path to do things for myself. I shouldn't distract myself, daydreaming about what someone else is doing somewhere else.

This past weekend, I went home for Emily's birthday. The annoying 11-hour train ride was surprisingly a pleasant experience. I got to watch the sun rise from a train in Santa Barbara and I think that was the first time I've actually done something for myself, on my own. I think I just needed a friendly reminder that my life is fine, that I have people that care about me, and I just need to take a few breathers sometimes.

Emily's birthday was so much fun. I'm pretty sure Emily, Romina, and I laughed our asses off for about 30 minutes, calling each other faggots and "niggas" in my room. It seems dumb, but it's nice to not care about what we're saying. I always laugh the hardest when I'm with them. We went off to a fancy restaurant called The Villa, where they gave us blankets to use while we froze our asses off in the garden. We then went off along Ventura Blvd. searching for something else to do and eventually found ourselves breaking into a closed carousel for pictures. On Saturday we went off to Ventura County and just hung out in the cute lil' downtown area (where there were mustached men everywhere!!). We ended off the night eating ramen in Hollywood and having boba in a cute little cafe across from LACMA. The car ride back home in Sam's soccer mom van was the best part- dancing and singing to The Postal Service, vibing and hand rolling to Glass Animals, and jumping around to The Vaccines. I don't think I'll ever have better friends.

Drunk, sadly

This blog seems to be more of a journal than me just restating my daily activities.

I feel like I've become fragile. Every little thing hurts and every little thing reminds me of something (or someone) that makes me happier than I am right now. Why am I even bothered right now? I decided earlier that I have no feelings for anyone, everything is done and gone. I still find myself wondering, stuck on the past. I go back to what I had before because I'm too scared to lose it. When am I going to find it again? Something better than Paul?

John tried to kiss me tonight. And apparently to Kate and Aria, every single boy tries to flirt with me. I don't see it. I don't see what everyone else sees. I feel sad and pathetic, and who would want that in a girl? Everyone keeps on telling me that I have nothing to worry about. They act as if I'm this perfect person that everyone wants, but I'm not. I'm the most messed up person I could imagine for anyone.

I know I'm drunk, but I guess that makes my word more honest. So I can honestly say that I'm sad. I keep on wishing to be somewhere else that I'm not. When I'm back at home, with my favorite people, I'm wishing to be out in San Francisco, living a frisky and so-called love-filled life. When I'm here, there's nothing more in the world I could want than to be at home; I love home- home is where Emily is, my parents, the concerts, the memories, the people I fall for and create memories with.

The last true time that I was happy was with Tristan at iHop (and I'm not even sure if that was real). Is anything in my life real though? Did Tristan REALLY have such horrific social anxiety that he couldn't talk to me? Did I make that entire night up? Did Matty ever really care about me all that much (especially compared to all of the internet girls that chase after him)? Did a famous bassist actually want to be with me (or was I just some stupid fangirl he decided to mess with)? Did Paul ever really care about me the way I thought he did?

Sometimes, I think I love him. But I know I can't possibly. I guess I love the thought of how we met, of how well we bonded- and all of the stupid stuff that came with that. But for the same amount of happiness I receive, I end up with at least 10x the amount of sadness. I'm never more than alright. The most that I can do is distract myself with stupid things like Tinder and early stages of alcoholism.

Will I ever be truly happy? Was I even truly happy over summer? What amI even looking for?

Winter Break

It's been less than an hour since I've touched base in my dorm and I already want to go home.
I guess I'm finding it difficult to be happy because I don't know what to do with myself- how I'm going to spend my mornings, my weekends, who I'm going to give my time to. It's all in the dark.

I'm still daydreaming of my last weekend back at home- I still can't believe that all happened. Since I last talked about my feelings and called Julian a few times, just to have him reassure me that life WILL pick up again and I'm just not used to things moving so slowly, I am back to being unsure of what I want.

Saturday night (or may I say Sunday morning), was quite the adventure. Romina and I showed up to Jeffrey's show (which we completely missed), and found ourselves in a sea of familiar faces disguised in jean jackets, smoking cigarettes. Everyone from high school seemed to pick up a new image. And then there was Paul. Just standing there, looking exactly how I pictured him to look after 7 months of not seeing him. He looked really unhappy. It's funny, I thought I would break down into a blathering mess after seeing him, but I did the complete opposite. I never imagined what it would be like to see him again (because I figured that I wouldn't), the last time I saw him we kissed goodbye and everything was alright- well look at us now. Unable to look at each other for more than 3 seconds without feeling uncomfortable and definitely not saying a word to each other.

I put my big girl panties on, or drank away my anxiety I may say, left, came back to the party with Emily and Romina, and partied the night away. Then there was Tristan. I don't remember him being on the stage (I don't remember much at all from this night actually), but there he was, standing there on the other side of the stage. Then magically, he was right next to me. Next thing I know it, we're drinking together. As I was about to walk out of the gate, he appeared again. "Thanks for the drink" "yeah, no problem" "didn't you give me a letter one time?" JESUS. He remembered that I embarrassingly gave him a note over a year ago in high school. Apparently I was throwing up the thumbs up sign to Romina and Emily, assuring them that YES, YA GIRL HAS HER MOJO BACK. Next thing I know is that he's feeding me cake. I convinced him to come and get a milkshake and then we were off to iHop. The missing bottle of vodka seemed to magically appear in Jeffrey's hand, then in mine, then into Tristan's mouth, and finally into my mouth. We made our way to all-you-can-eat pancakes and cups of never-ending coffee. Why did we share a cup? Why was he still feeding me? I don't know. I just remember thinking MAKE A MOVE ALREADY. Yeah yeah, social anxiety, I got it. It all was so carefree and fun- we were like one of those lame, grungey teenage 90's movies. I still can't believe we sat at that damn iHop for 5 hours.

After we left, we made our way into our next destination- the iHop's parking lot. We seemed to be there for ages. Smoking cigarettes, we just stood in a circle and made small talk. Nobody wanted the night to end. Then an epiphany: we should grab some blankets and head on over to Reseda Point to watch the sunrise. After Romina's house, Emily and Jeffrey street raced at 5 in the morning on Rinaldi. Windows open, I took a film picture of them driving beside us. I haven't felt that happy in such a long time. We sat on top of the hill and waited about an hour and a half for the sun to rise. He sat awkwardly behind me... Every now and then he would inch forward, but it still wasn't enough. Geez, it would have been a perfect moment. Nope, I got to share a blanket with a passed-out alcoholic. I could feel him staring at the back of my head, watching the sun rise. Sometimes I would turn around, just to catch eyes, and he would smile. The moment was so beautiful. Sitting with my two best friends, my prom date, a greaser, and Tristan. It was beautiful. The ending was an awkward, limp hug and good bye. We haven't talked since then- but I guess why drag it out? Things should be left with happy memories.

Friendly reminder that the best things in life happen when you're not looking for it- which I do need to remind myself time after time.

It's now the first day of school and I'm back to feeling bland. Hopefully I find someone to waste my time with x

Let's Talk About Feelings

This is a personal blog and I should be able to say whatever I need to say without trying to impress someone else or hold back my words.

The last night of the cabin, Romina's birthday, things got a little... Out of hand. It was probably the most drunk I've been in the longest time and it all just started building up until I just had to leave. I've had problems before where I would get drunk and cry about something dumb like missing Paul or wanting to be somewhere else in life, but things have been good (even though they don't feel so good right now).

I was really happy up until finals week. Before and during Thanksgiving break was absolutely perfect. Life was good, I loved my friends and everything I was doing. But of course, knowing me, I had to go off and seek approval romantically, because if I don't, I would go into some downward spiral of feeling empty. It's just been a long time since summer and I haven't felt anything like that in quite some time and of course, something comes out-of-the-blue. It always starts off perfect- I could never really explain how lucky or special I feel when it starts. Maybe something close to the feeling of vomiting rainbows and shitting butterflies or something like that. But along comes this Berkeley Bitch and I feel like it's the beginning of summer all over again. I've found someone that actually amuses me and keeps me entertained for more than a few days. Everything's great and dandy, walking on sunshine and smiling all the time, but of course, all good things end (well, at least for me). There's no exact words to explain it all, but the closest way of describing it would be the concept of fading away. It just ends up fading away.

I tell myself that I'm over everything that happened over summer. I don't think I will really get over it until it happens again somehow. The "it" being that feeling you get when you're just completely blown away by this crazy whirlwind of happiness that can of course only be obtained by the concept of romance. The trouble is that I find it hard to grow THAT attached with people.

How do I even forget one of the best, most exciting weekends of my entire life? Lost voice and all, I had shown up to Danya's graduation party without knowing that I was going to have one of the best, yet strangest nights of my life. "Wow I love Taco Bell!" "Really? You're the first girl I've met that loves Taco Bell that much." Dragged into a bathroom and sitting in the tub for hours, talking about things people never care to talk about. Just talking. "You should leave him." He was so bold. I still remember holding my face because I could not believe how happy I was sitting there on that cold, uncomfortable shower floor. We were eventually interrupted to Danya's dad knocking on the door, apparently the party was over. It was magically 2 am.

Then the whole Angie thing happened. She cried so hard, even after the party ended and I was out of the bathroom. I just remember feeling terrible- was I selfish enough to sit in a bath tub for 2 hours with the person she wanted to be with? But then he pulled us aside. Never have I ever heard someone give such genuine, heartfelt advice. I still remember sitting there, in awe, staring at him as he tried to comfort Angie. He would hold her hand and say something sweet- then he'd look over at me. That feeling when he looked at me. I don't think anyone's ever looked at me like that before. I felt lucky. Then he dragged me to some random kid's house- Kevin Bacon. "Please Gaby, you have to come! Emily, tell her that she has to come. I'm not leaving until you say yes." I remember sitting on his lap in Seb's car, my eyes filled with happiness when I found out he loved Vampire Weekend too. He of course did the most romantic thing ever- pulled me into Kevin's bathroom to continue our conversation that was interrupted at Danya's. Legs intertwined in a small bathtub, we trash talked Andy Nelson for what seemed like hours. Laughing and laying there. I just felt so lucky. I didn't want the night to end. Kevin's mom came downstairs and started screaming and next thing I know it, we're holding hands, running out of the house. The night ended sometime around sunrise and the next day I was at a music festival. I still remember feeling like I was floating on a cloud, in some sort of amphetamine daydream where I had the most magical, unrealistic night. I remember not wanting to look at another person unless it was him. I remember feeling nothing but guilt when I had coffee with a band member (which is every teenage girl's fantasy), because it wasn't him.

How am I supposed to feel that happy again.

The First Week

The start of this year is surely something worth remembering. This past week has been filled with LA adventures and getting rekt.

Michael and I went off to The Last Bookstore (I've been there twice already this whole break), and wow do I love that place. The first time I went was with Sam and I actually met a nice guy there that complimented my fur coat- which was a nice surprise with my recent streak of life being shit and my clothes being quite man repelling. After my visits, I ended up with a book about James Dean and a Stephen King novel that everyone continues to make fun of me for.

Sam, Emily, Eric, Romina, Danya, Lucas, and I went off to Sam's cabin for a few days and WOW DID WE GO HARD. It's currently 10:28 PM and I just woke up from a nap that started around 6; that's how tired I still am from the whole trip. Besides getting wasted every night, it really was just a nice, relaxing week. Being away from home, school, everyone in general; it was just nice to not have a care in the world and to be able to sit down ol' family style at the dinner table in the morning and dance on the same dinner table at night. Besides my little episode on the last night, it was definitely one of the most fun times I've had. 

Since being back on Thursday, I've been busy with the usual Hollywood antics. Brian, Brent, Romina and I went off to get milkshakes and ice cream at MILK, followed by a french fry run and lots of talk about our (non-existent) love lives. I don't know why people (or I) like to talk about relationships so much. On Saturday, Emily, Sam, and I had our last lil' group bonding day. Going down to LACMA for the last time in a while- although it wasn't as much fun as it used to be... I could still remember running around the place, making fun of all of the artwork, checking out all of the museum junkies. I guess we're just growing up. 

Life's been full of a lot of adventures and I'm happy that I'm typing this all out right now because I seem to have forgotten 90% of it already. Even when reading all of this, I seem to lack excitement and that "magic" I used to have when I described my memories. These were all such fun days, and I remember dancing and laughing and screaming; but I just can't seem to put my memories down into a string of pleasant words. I don't know, I feel like I'm in some sort of rut right now. Maybe something exciting will happen soon- like dancing on stage at a concert, or meeting some random person in line for a show and having the best few days of winter break ever, just something along the lines like my summer.