It's been a week since I had my early-life crisis. My meltdown consisted of self-loathing; on the part of which I seem to be the most socially awkward person when it comes to love. I don't know why I do it- fear of rejection I guess, if I were to put it in simple terms.
It's happened on several occasions where my friends get so frustrated with my awkwardness that they feel the need to start forcefully pushing me to talk to someone. The worst part is that after all of the embarrassment, it actually ends up going well. The entire time that I felt like I was being constricted by a boa was actually going to end up just fine. This time, it was the bassist of a band that was playing at The Depot. I had already talked to him, but this feeling comes powering out of me and I can't seem to process any meaningful thoughts or words. And my face turns red. And I run away. And my friends yell at me. And they start pushing me. And my body is in physical pain from the nerves that seem to be electrifying my body with a thousand bolts of unpleasant waves.
One time, Julian told me that I make my life too complicated. Of course, I looked at him like he was a crazy person. How or why could that make any sense? The ideal situation would be to have things simple, always working out in my favor. But after almost going to the brink of insanity, I did realize that I purposely destroy and ruin any relationship I have to work for; because it's easier to feel in control rather than trying and completely fucking up something up.
I am a noticeably difficult person to work with. People think that I'm well-composed and I have all of these brilliant fucking ideas on how to fix their lives/relationships, but when it comes down to it, I can't take my own advice. My problem isn't what I know to be smart, or right versus wrong. My problem is my own insecurities. I give people advice based off of who they are and what I know them to be. And honestly, all my friends are beautiful people that get most of the things that they want (and I don't feel this way about myself at all).
I'm changing and getting better about everything though. I was already aware of the fact that I string people along just because I can, and it's easy to. But when I actually feel something for someone, I seem unable to deal with it. It's really embarrassing sometimes. To not be able to say hi to someone without feeling the weight of the Earth crushing down on me.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
February 2015
Besides the fact that I've been sick all week, I am the happiest I have been. I'm not happy because someone came into my life, I'm not doing anything crazy exciting, I'm just purely happy by myself (and it feels so good). I can't remember a time where I went along this fine in life. I don't cry when I'm drunk, I don't miss you all that much anymore, I started watching movies again, I'm eating alone, and it all surprisingly doesn't feel so alone.
The first weekend of February I spent back in LA, which was absolutely amazing. I spent that time laughing with my favorite people, running in the rain, eating gelato in a mustache wonderland.
Valentines weekend was a crazy amount of fun. On Friday the 13th, Kate, Aria, and I ran off to the Embarcadero to pick up Elliott. We found ourselves sneaking up to one of the floors of a random hotel and we sat there for nearly an hour, sitting on the floor, watching the cars and the city below. After we got Elliott, we ran around a few miles in search for donuts that we never found. We ended up drinking that night and it was crazy fun. I don't cry anymore when I drink. I ran around outside to the DSA, chasing some guy named Dash because I guess I thought we were soulmates or something. On Valentines day, Elliott, Aria, Theresa and I went to Castro and messed around in the sex stores. I'm still disturbed at the size of some dildos- is that even humanly possible to have sex with that?? Later on that night, Collin, Eva, Theresa, Ryan and I went on some midnight escapades throughout the city. At some point, we were sitting across the bridge in a sketchy forest and I was convinced that I was living a horror film. Anyways, the night was amazing. We went across the bridge and saw the city over the bay, we went to Twin Peaks (which is highly overrated), we closed our eyes and opened them when we were driving on the bridge, ended up at the Palace of Fine Arts and watched a proposal, and we went to Krispy Kreme and got donuts (perfect).
Sunday night, Theresa, Star and I went to Burgerama. Definitely not what I was expecting at all. I would describe it as a mixture of cult activities with 30-year-olds at a pizza party. Well, we got free masks out of it so that was a plus.
That Tuesday we went to some Mexican restaurant and we went salsa dancing right after. This was so much fun- I feel like towards the end of 2014 I started feeling insecure again. I moved in the weirdest ways possible and I didn't feel self conscious shaking it in my lame long sleeve t. The next day, Collin, Landon, Josh and I went to go sell Landon's amp to possibly the most perfect man ever. We goofed off in Goodwill for a bit and got tacos and burritos on Haight. I'm pretty sure that Collin has feelings for me and it's really weirding me out because I always feel really uncomfortable about these situations. I wish people could be friends without wanting more.
Sam visited the following weekend (the 20th to the 21st). I was actually starting to get sick right before she visited, but knowing me, I just had to go out anyways which eventually lead me to dying in my room of bronchitis (I'll explain more later). The night that she visited, we went to a beach kickback. Things got kind of weird, but I guess alcohol and feelings aren't really a great mix (nor should they be a mix). At some point, Fade into You by Mazzy Star started playing and I hadn't listened to it in so long, and I just NEEDED to run away. But for some strange reason, my drunk self attracts people in the weirdest ways (even if I don't want it to). This night it was Elias that came running after me and I don't remember our conversation exactly, but it did get deep in personal at some point along the line. The next day, Sam and I ventured off all around SF. We went from strange donut burgers in a cute carnival-themed restaurant to the botanical gardens, made our way to a museum of Broken Relationships, and eventually to a fancy neighborhood for liquid nitrogen ice cream and sushi.
Since it's rearing towards the end of March now, I should probably give up on this post and just post it already since I've seemed to destroy the whole purpose of trying to remember my memories.
The first weekend of February I spent back in LA, which was absolutely amazing. I spent that time laughing with my favorite people, running in the rain, eating gelato in a mustache wonderland.
Valentines weekend was a crazy amount of fun. On Friday the 13th, Kate, Aria, and I ran off to the Embarcadero to pick up Elliott. We found ourselves sneaking up to one of the floors of a random hotel and we sat there for nearly an hour, sitting on the floor, watching the cars and the city below. After we got Elliott, we ran around a few miles in search for donuts that we never found. We ended up drinking that night and it was crazy fun. I don't cry anymore when I drink. I ran around outside to the DSA, chasing some guy named Dash because I guess I thought we were soulmates or something. On Valentines day, Elliott, Aria, Theresa and I went to Castro and messed around in the sex stores. I'm still disturbed at the size of some dildos- is that even humanly possible to have sex with that?? Later on that night, Collin, Eva, Theresa, Ryan and I went on some midnight escapades throughout the city. At some point, we were sitting across the bridge in a sketchy forest and I was convinced that I was living a horror film. Anyways, the night was amazing. We went across the bridge and saw the city over the bay, we went to Twin Peaks (which is highly overrated), we closed our eyes and opened them when we were driving on the bridge, ended up at the Palace of Fine Arts and watched a proposal, and we went to Krispy Kreme and got donuts (perfect).
Sunday night, Theresa, Star and I went to Burgerama. Definitely not what I was expecting at all. I would describe it as a mixture of cult activities with 30-year-olds at a pizza party. Well, we got free masks out of it so that was a plus.
That Tuesday we went to some Mexican restaurant and we went salsa dancing right after. This was so much fun- I feel like towards the end of 2014 I started feeling insecure again. I moved in the weirdest ways possible and I didn't feel self conscious shaking it in my lame long sleeve t. The next day, Collin, Landon, Josh and I went to go sell Landon's amp to possibly the most perfect man ever. We goofed off in Goodwill for a bit and got tacos and burritos on Haight. I'm pretty sure that Collin has feelings for me and it's really weirding me out because I always feel really uncomfortable about these situations. I wish people could be friends without wanting more.
Sam visited the following weekend (the 20th to the 21st). I was actually starting to get sick right before she visited, but knowing me, I just had to go out anyways which eventually lead me to dying in my room of bronchitis (I'll explain more later). The night that she visited, we went to a beach kickback. Things got kind of weird, but I guess alcohol and feelings aren't really a great mix (nor should they be a mix). At some point, Fade into You by Mazzy Star started playing and I hadn't listened to it in so long, and I just NEEDED to run away. But for some strange reason, my drunk self attracts people in the weirdest ways (even if I don't want it to). This night it was Elias that came running after me and I don't remember our conversation exactly, but it did get deep in personal at some point along the line. The next day, Sam and I ventured off all around SF. We went from strange donut burgers in a cute carnival-themed restaurant to the botanical gardens, made our way to a museum of Broken Relationships, and eventually to a fancy neighborhood for liquid nitrogen ice cream and sushi.
Since it's rearing towards the end of March now, I should probably give up on this post and just post it already since I've seemed to destroy the whole purpose of trying to remember my memories.
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