It's been less than an hour since I've touched base in my dorm and I already want to go home.
I guess I'm finding it difficult to be happy because I don't know what to do with myself- how I'm going to spend my mornings, my weekends, who I'm going to give my time to. It's all in the dark.
I'm still daydreaming of my last weekend back at home- I still can't believe that all happened. Since I last talked about my feelings and called Julian a few times, just to have him reassure me that life WILL pick up again and I'm just not used to things moving so slowly, I am back to being unsure of what I want.
Saturday night (or may I say Sunday morning), was quite the adventure. Romina and I showed up to Jeffrey's show (which we completely missed), and found ourselves in a sea of familiar faces disguised in jean jackets, smoking cigarettes. Everyone from high school seemed to pick up a new image. And then there was Paul. Just standing there, looking exactly how I pictured him to look after 7 months of not seeing him. He looked really unhappy. It's funny, I thought I would break down into a blathering mess after seeing him, but I did the complete opposite. I never imagined what it would be like to see him again (because I figured that I wouldn't), the last time I saw him we kissed goodbye and everything was alright- well look at us now. Unable to look at each other for more than 3 seconds without feeling uncomfortable and definitely not saying a word to each other.
I put my big girl panties on, or drank away my anxiety I may say, left, came back to the party with Emily and Romina, and partied the night away. Then there was Tristan. I don't remember him being on the stage (I don't remember much at all from this night actually), but there he was, standing there on the other side of the stage. Then magically, he was right next to me. Next thing I know it, we're drinking together. As I was about to walk out of the gate, he appeared again. "Thanks for the drink" "yeah, no problem" "didn't you give me a letter one time?" JESUS. He remembered that I embarrassingly gave him a note over a year ago in high school. Apparently I was throwing up the thumbs up sign to Romina and Emily, assuring them that YES, YA GIRL HAS HER MOJO BACK. Next thing I know is that he's feeding me cake. I convinced him to come and get a milkshake and then we were off to iHop. The missing bottle of vodka seemed to magically appear in Jeffrey's hand, then in mine, then into Tristan's mouth, and finally into my mouth. We made our way to all-you-can-eat pancakes and cups of never-ending coffee. Why did we share a cup? Why was he still feeding me? I don't know. I just remember thinking MAKE A MOVE ALREADY. Yeah yeah, social anxiety, I got it. It all was so carefree and fun- we were like one of those lame, grungey teenage 90's movies. I still can't believe we sat at that damn iHop for 5 hours.
After we left, we made our way into our next destination- the iHop's parking lot. We seemed to be there for ages. Smoking cigarettes, we just stood in a circle and made small talk. Nobody wanted the night to end. Then an epiphany: we should grab some blankets and head on over to Reseda Point to watch the sunrise. After Romina's house, Emily and Jeffrey street raced at 5 in the morning on Rinaldi. Windows open, I took a film picture of them driving beside us. I haven't felt that happy in such a long time. We sat on top of the hill and waited about an hour and a half for the sun to rise. He sat awkwardly behind me... Every now and then he would inch forward, but it still wasn't enough. Geez, it would have been a perfect moment. Nope, I got to share a blanket with a passed-out alcoholic. I could feel him staring at the back of my head, watching the sun rise. Sometimes I would turn around, just to catch eyes, and he would smile. The moment was so beautiful. Sitting with my two best friends, my prom date, a greaser, and Tristan. It was beautiful. The ending was an awkward, limp hug and good bye. We haven't talked since then- but I guess why drag it out? Things should be left with happy memories.
Friendly reminder that the best things in life happen when you're not looking for it- which I do need to remind myself time after time.
It's now the first day of school and I'm back to feeling bland. Hopefully I find someone to waste my time with x
Monday, January 26, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Let's Talk About Feelings
This is a personal blog and I should be able to say whatever I need to say without trying to impress someone else or hold back my words.
The last night of the cabin, Romina's birthday, things got a little... Out of hand. It was probably the most drunk I've been in the longest time and it all just started building up until I just had to leave. I've had problems before where I would get drunk and cry about something dumb like missing Paul or wanting to be somewhere else in life, but things have been good (even though they don't feel so good right now).
I was really happy up until finals week. Before and during Thanksgiving break was absolutely perfect. Life was good, I loved my friends and everything I was doing. But of course, knowing me, I had to go off and seek approval romantically, because if I don't, I would go into some downward spiral of feeling empty. It's just been a long time since summer and I haven't felt anything like that in quite some time and of course, something comes out-of-the-blue. It always starts off perfect- I could never really explain how lucky or special I feel when it starts. Maybe something close to the feeling of vomiting rainbows and shitting butterflies or something like that. But along comes this Berkeley Bitch and I feel like it's the beginning of summer all over again. I've found someone that actually amuses me and keeps me entertained for more than a few days. Everything's great and dandy, walking on sunshine and smiling all the time, but of course, all good things end (well, at least for me). There's no exact words to explain it all, but the closest way of describing it would be the concept of fading away. It just ends up fading away.
I tell myself that I'm over everything that happened over summer. I don't think I will really get over it until it happens again somehow. The "it" being that feeling you get when you're just completely blown away by this crazy whirlwind of happiness that can of course only be obtained by the concept of romance. The trouble is that I find it hard to grow THAT attached with people.
How do I even forget one of the best, most exciting weekends of my entire life? Lost voice and all, I had shown up to Danya's graduation party without knowing that I was going to have one of the best, yet strangest nights of my life. "Wow I love Taco Bell!" "Really? You're the first girl I've met that loves Taco Bell that much." Dragged into a bathroom and sitting in the tub for hours, talking about things people never care to talk about. Just talking. "You should leave him." He was so bold. I still remember holding my face because I could not believe how happy I was sitting there on that cold, uncomfortable shower floor. We were eventually interrupted to Danya's dad knocking on the door, apparently the party was over. It was magically 2 am.
Then the whole Angie thing happened. She cried so hard, even after the party ended and I was out of the bathroom. I just remember feeling terrible- was I selfish enough to sit in a bath tub for 2 hours with the person she wanted to be with? But then he pulled us aside. Never have I ever heard someone give such genuine, heartfelt advice. I still remember sitting there, in awe, staring at him as he tried to comfort Angie. He would hold her hand and say something sweet- then he'd look over at me. That feeling when he looked at me. I don't think anyone's ever looked at me like that before. I felt lucky. Then he dragged me to some random kid's house- Kevin Bacon. "Please Gaby, you have to come! Emily, tell her that she has to come. I'm not leaving until you say yes." I remember sitting on his lap in Seb's car, my eyes filled with happiness when I found out he loved Vampire Weekend too. He of course did the most romantic thing ever- pulled me into Kevin's bathroom to continue our conversation that was interrupted at Danya's. Legs intertwined in a small bathtub, we trash talked Andy Nelson for what seemed like hours. Laughing and laying there. I just felt so lucky. I didn't want the night to end. Kevin's mom came downstairs and started screaming and next thing I know it, we're holding hands, running out of the house. The night ended sometime around sunrise and the next day I was at a music festival. I still remember feeling like I was floating on a cloud, in some sort of amphetamine daydream where I had the most magical, unrealistic night. I remember not wanting to look at another person unless it was him. I remember feeling nothing but guilt when I had coffee with a band member (which is every teenage girl's fantasy), because it wasn't him.
How am I supposed to feel that happy again.
The last night of the cabin, Romina's birthday, things got a little... Out of hand. It was probably the most drunk I've been in the longest time and it all just started building up until I just had to leave. I've had problems before where I would get drunk and cry about something dumb like missing Paul or wanting to be somewhere else in life, but things have been good (even though they don't feel so good right now).
I was really happy up until finals week. Before and during Thanksgiving break was absolutely perfect. Life was good, I loved my friends and everything I was doing. But of course, knowing me, I had to go off and seek approval romantically, because if I don't, I would go into some downward spiral of feeling empty. It's just been a long time since summer and I haven't felt anything like that in quite some time and of course, something comes out-of-the-blue. It always starts off perfect- I could never really explain how lucky or special I feel when it starts. Maybe something close to the feeling of vomiting rainbows and shitting butterflies or something like that. But along comes this Berkeley Bitch and I feel like it's the beginning of summer all over again. I've found someone that actually amuses me and keeps me entertained for more than a few days. Everything's great and dandy, walking on sunshine and smiling all the time, but of course, all good things end (well, at least for me). There's no exact words to explain it all, but the closest way of describing it would be the concept of fading away. It just ends up fading away.
I tell myself that I'm over everything that happened over summer. I don't think I will really get over it until it happens again somehow. The "it" being that feeling you get when you're just completely blown away by this crazy whirlwind of happiness that can of course only be obtained by the concept of romance. The trouble is that I find it hard to grow THAT attached with people.
How do I even forget one of the best, most exciting weekends of my entire life? Lost voice and all, I had shown up to Danya's graduation party without knowing that I was going to have one of the best, yet strangest nights of my life. "Wow I love Taco Bell!" "Really? You're the first girl I've met that loves Taco Bell that much." Dragged into a bathroom and sitting in the tub for hours, talking about things people never care to talk about. Just talking. "You should leave him." He was so bold. I still remember holding my face because I could not believe how happy I was sitting there on that cold, uncomfortable shower floor. We were eventually interrupted to Danya's dad knocking on the door, apparently the party was over. It was magically 2 am.
Then the whole Angie thing happened. She cried so hard, even after the party ended and I was out of the bathroom. I just remember feeling terrible- was I selfish enough to sit in a bath tub for 2 hours with the person she wanted to be with? But then he pulled us aside. Never have I ever heard someone give such genuine, heartfelt advice. I still remember sitting there, in awe, staring at him as he tried to comfort Angie. He would hold her hand and say something sweet- then he'd look over at me. That feeling when he looked at me. I don't think anyone's ever looked at me like that before. I felt lucky. Then he dragged me to some random kid's house- Kevin Bacon. "Please Gaby, you have to come! Emily, tell her that she has to come. I'm not leaving until you say yes." I remember sitting on his lap in Seb's car, my eyes filled with happiness when I found out he loved Vampire Weekend too. He of course did the most romantic thing ever- pulled me into Kevin's bathroom to continue our conversation that was interrupted at Danya's. Legs intertwined in a small bathtub, we trash talked Andy Nelson for what seemed like hours. Laughing and laying there. I just felt so lucky. I didn't want the night to end. Kevin's mom came downstairs and started screaming and next thing I know it, we're holding hands, running out of the house. The night ended sometime around sunrise and the next day I was at a music festival. I still remember feeling like I was floating on a cloud, in some sort of amphetamine daydream where I had the most magical, unrealistic night. I remember not wanting to look at another person unless it was him. I remember feeling nothing but guilt when I had coffee with a band member (which is every teenage girl's fantasy), because it wasn't him.
How am I supposed to feel that happy again.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The First Week
The start of this year is surely something worth remembering. This past week has been filled with LA adventures and getting rekt.
Michael and I went off to The Last Bookstore (I've been there twice already this whole break), and wow do I love that place. The first time I went was with Sam and I actually met a nice guy there that complimented my fur coat- which was a nice surprise with my recent streak of life being shit and my clothes being quite man repelling. After my visits, I ended up with a book about James Dean and a Stephen King novel that everyone continues to make fun of me for.
Sam, Emily, Eric, Romina, Danya, Lucas, and I went off to Sam's cabin for a few days and WOW DID WE GO HARD. It's currently 10:28 PM and I just woke up from a nap that started around 6; that's how tired I still am from the whole trip. Besides getting wasted every night, it really was just a nice, relaxing week. Being away from home, school, everyone in general; it was just nice to not have a care in the world and to be able to sit down ol' family style at the dinner table in the morning and dance on the same dinner table at night. Besides my little episode on the last night, it was definitely one of the most fun times I've had.
Since being back on Thursday, I've been busy with the usual Hollywood antics. Brian, Brent, Romina and I went off to get milkshakes and ice cream at MILK, followed by a french fry run and lots of talk about our (non-existent) love lives. I don't know why people (or I) like to talk about relationships so much. On Saturday, Emily, Sam, and I had our last lil' group bonding day. Going down to LACMA for the last time in a while- although it wasn't as much fun as it used to be... I could still remember running around the place, making fun of all of the artwork, checking out all of the museum junkies. I guess we're just growing up.
Life's been full of a lot of adventures and I'm happy that I'm typing this all out right now because I seem to have forgotten 90% of it already. Even when reading all of this, I seem to lack excitement and that "magic" I used to have when I described my memories. These were all such fun days, and I remember dancing and laughing and screaming; but I just can't seem to put my memories down into a string of pleasant words. I don't know, I feel like I'm in some sort of rut right now. Maybe something exciting will happen soon- like dancing on stage at a concert, or meeting some random person in line for a show and having the best few days of winter break ever, just something along the lines like my summer.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
First
So here I am, back to blogging. It's now 2015 and I realized that I made no resolutions and I didn't even bother to try to think of one for this year. I find myself lacking interest in everything around me and it might be because I haven't had the time to stop and appreciate everything I have in my life. Sadly, I'm no longer that 13-year-old girl that can write love letters and walk around the streets with sparkles and hope in my eyes. Nonetheless, I also don't want to be an unamused drag. My 2014 resolution was fulfilled- be more spontaneous. Now I can explain why I'm back to blogging; my 2014 was so spontaneous and jam-packed that I seem to have forgotten most of the memories. Everything has been squished together into one big blur that I recall as "the time of my life", even though I can't exactly explain why or how it was the time of my life without scrunching up my face and asking myself that same question.
Maybe I'll actually keep up with posting on here and I'll have something to look back on in ten years. Might be a boring housewife whose life peaked about five years ago, or maybe I'll be some big-time business woman that needs to be reminded of the good times. I may also just slowly transform into a sloth and find myself incapable of keeping up with this.
2015 might not be filled with meeting someone in a bathroom, dancing on stage, making new friends that so happen to be band members at their own concert, and so on, but it might and it would be nice to remember all of it.
So here's to a hopefully lovely 2015!
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