This is a personal blog and I should be able to say whatever I need to say without trying to impress someone else or hold back my words.
The last night of the cabin, Romina's birthday, things got a little... Out of hand. It was probably the most drunk I've been in the longest time and it all just started building up until I just had to leave. I've had problems before where I would get drunk and cry about something dumb like missing Paul or wanting to be somewhere else in life, but things have been good (even though they don't feel so good right now).
I was really happy up until finals week. Before and during Thanksgiving break was absolutely perfect. Life was good, I loved my friends and everything I was doing. But of course, knowing me, I had to go off and seek approval romantically, because if I don't, I would go into some downward spiral of feeling empty. It's just been a long time since summer and I haven't felt anything like that in quite some time and of course, something comes out-of-the-blue. It always starts off perfect- I could never really explain how lucky or special I feel when it starts. Maybe something close to the feeling of vomiting rainbows and shitting butterflies or something like that. But along comes this Berkeley Bitch and I feel like it's the beginning of summer all over again. I've found someone that actually amuses me and keeps me entertained for more than a few days. Everything's great and dandy, walking on sunshine and smiling all the time, but of course, all good things end (well, at least for me). There's no exact words to explain it all, but the closest way of describing it would be the concept of fading away. It just ends up fading away.
I tell myself that I'm over everything that happened over summer. I don't think I will really get over it until it happens again somehow. The "it" being that feeling you get when you're just completely blown away by this crazy whirlwind of happiness that can of course only be obtained by the concept of romance. The trouble is that I find it hard to grow THAT attached with people.
How do I even forget one of the best, most exciting weekends of my entire life? Lost voice and all, I had shown up to Danya's graduation party without knowing that I was going to have one of the best, yet strangest nights of my life. "Wow I love Taco Bell!" "Really? You're the first girl I've met that loves Taco Bell that much." Dragged into a bathroom and sitting in the tub for hours, talking about things people never care to talk about. Just talking. "You should leave him." He was so bold. I still remember holding my face because I could not believe how happy I was sitting there on that cold, uncomfortable shower floor. We were eventually interrupted to Danya's dad knocking on the door, apparently the party was over. It was magically 2 am.
Then the whole Angie thing happened. She cried so hard, even after the party ended and I was out of the bathroom. I just remember feeling terrible- was I selfish enough to sit in a bath tub for 2 hours with the person she wanted to be with? But then he pulled us aside. Never have I ever heard someone give such genuine, heartfelt advice. I still remember sitting there, in awe, staring at him as he tried to comfort Angie. He would hold her hand and say something sweet- then he'd look over at me. That feeling when he looked at me. I don't think anyone's ever looked at me like that before. I felt lucky. Then he dragged me to some random kid's house- Kevin Bacon. "Please Gaby, you have to come! Emily, tell her that she has to come. I'm not leaving until you say yes." I remember sitting on his lap in Seb's car, my eyes filled with happiness when I found out he loved Vampire Weekend too. He of course did the most romantic thing ever- pulled me into Kevin's bathroom to continue our conversation that was interrupted at Danya's. Legs intertwined in a small bathtub, we trash talked Andy Nelson for what seemed like hours. Laughing and laying there. I just felt so lucky. I didn't want the night to end. Kevin's mom came downstairs and started screaming and next thing I know it, we're holding hands, running out of the house. The night ended sometime around sunrise and the next day I was at a music festival. I still remember feeling like I was floating on a cloud, in some sort of amphetamine daydream where I had the most magical, unrealistic night. I remember not wanting to look at another person unless it was him. I remember feeling nothing but guilt when I had coffee with a band member (which is every teenage girl's fantasy), because it wasn't him.
How am I supposed to feel that happy again.
No comments:
Post a Comment