Winter Break

It's been less than an hour since I've touched base in my dorm and I already want to go home.
I guess I'm finding it difficult to be happy because I don't know what to do with myself- how I'm going to spend my mornings, my weekends, who I'm going to give my time to. It's all in the dark.

I'm still daydreaming of my last weekend back at home- I still can't believe that all happened. Since I last talked about my feelings and called Julian a few times, just to have him reassure me that life WILL pick up again and I'm just not used to things moving so slowly, I am back to being unsure of what I want.

Saturday night (or may I say Sunday morning), was quite the adventure. Romina and I showed up to Jeffrey's show (which we completely missed), and found ourselves in a sea of familiar faces disguised in jean jackets, smoking cigarettes. Everyone from high school seemed to pick up a new image. And then there was Paul. Just standing there, looking exactly how I pictured him to look after 7 months of not seeing him. He looked really unhappy. It's funny, I thought I would break down into a blathering mess after seeing him, but I did the complete opposite. I never imagined what it would be like to see him again (because I figured that I wouldn't), the last time I saw him we kissed goodbye and everything was alright- well look at us now. Unable to look at each other for more than 3 seconds without feeling uncomfortable and definitely not saying a word to each other.

I put my big girl panties on, or drank away my anxiety I may say, left, came back to the party with Emily and Romina, and partied the night away. Then there was Tristan. I don't remember him being on the stage (I don't remember much at all from this night actually), but there he was, standing there on the other side of the stage. Then magically, he was right next to me. Next thing I know it, we're drinking together. As I was about to walk out of the gate, he appeared again. "Thanks for the drink" "yeah, no problem" "didn't you give me a letter one time?" JESUS. He remembered that I embarrassingly gave him a note over a year ago in high school. Apparently I was throwing up the thumbs up sign to Romina and Emily, assuring them that YES, YA GIRL HAS HER MOJO BACK. Next thing I know is that he's feeding me cake. I convinced him to come and get a milkshake and then we were off to iHop. The missing bottle of vodka seemed to magically appear in Jeffrey's hand, then in mine, then into Tristan's mouth, and finally into my mouth. We made our way to all-you-can-eat pancakes and cups of never-ending coffee. Why did we share a cup? Why was he still feeding me? I don't know. I just remember thinking MAKE A MOVE ALREADY. Yeah yeah, social anxiety, I got it. It all was so carefree and fun- we were like one of those lame, grungey teenage 90's movies. I still can't believe we sat at that damn iHop for 5 hours.

After we left, we made our way into our next destination- the iHop's parking lot. We seemed to be there for ages. Smoking cigarettes, we just stood in a circle and made small talk. Nobody wanted the night to end. Then an epiphany: we should grab some blankets and head on over to Reseda Point to watch the sunrise. After Romina's house, Emily and Jeffrey street raced at 5 in the morning on Rinaldi. Windows open, I took a film picture of them driving beside us. I haven't felt that happy in such a long time. We sat on top of the hill and waited about an hour and a half for the sun to rise. He sat awkwardly behind me... Every now and then he would inch forward, but it still wasn't enough. Geez, it would have been a perfect moment. Nope, I got to share a blanket with a passed-out alcoholic. I could feel him staring at the back of my head, watching the sun rise. Sometimes I would turn around, just to catch eyes, and he would smile. The moment was so beautiful. Sitting with my two best friends, my prom date, a greaser, and Tristan. It was beautiful. The ending was an awkward, limp hug and good bye. We haven't talked since then- but I guess why drag it out? Things should be left with happy memories.

Friendly reminder that the best things in life happen when you're not looking for it- which I do need to remind myself time after time.

It's now the first day of school and I'm back to feeling bland. Hopefully I find someone to waste my time with x