Drunk, sadly

This blog seems to be more of a journal than me just restating my daily activities.

I feel like I've become fragile. Every little thing hurts and every little thing reminds me of something (or someone) that makes me happier than I am right now. Why am I even bothered right now? I decided earlier that I have no feelings for anyone, everything is done and gone. I still find myself wondering, stuck on the past. I go back to what I had before because I'm too scared to lose it. When am I going to find it again? Something better than Paul?

John tried to kiss me tonight. And apparently to Kate and Aria, every single boy tries to flirt with me. I don't see it. I don't see what everyone else sees. I feel sad and pathetic, and who would want that in a girl? Everyone keeps on telling me that I have nothing to worry about. They act as if I'm this perfect person that everyone wants, but I'm not. I'm the most messed up person I could imagine for anyone.

I know I'm drunk, but I guess that makes my word more honest. So I can honestly say that I'm sad. I keep on wishing to be somewhere else that I'm not. When I'm back at home, with my favorite people, I'm wishing to be out in San Francisco, living a frisky and so-called love-filled life. When I'm here, there's nothing more in the world I could want than to be at home; I love home- home is where Emily is, my parents, the concerts, the memories, the people I fall for and create memories with.

The last true time that I was happy was with Tristan at iHop (and I'm not even sure if that was real). Is anything in my life real though? Did Tristan REALLY have such horrific social anxiety that he couldn't talk to me? Did I make that entire night up? Did Matty ever really care about me all that much (especially compared to all of the internet girls that chase after him)? Did a famous bassist actually want to be with me (or was I just some stupid fangirl he decided to mess with)? Did Paul ever really care about me the way I thought he did?

Sometimes, I think I love him. But I know I can't possibly. I guess I love the thought of how we met, of how well we bonded- and all of the stupid stuff that came with that. But for the same amount of happiness I receive, I end up with at least 10x the amount of sadness. I'm never more than alright. The most that I can do is distract myself with stupid things like Tinder and early stages of alcoholism.

Will I ever be truly happy? Was I even truly happy over summer? What amI even looking for?