Getting Better

It's been a week since I had my early-life crisis. My meltdown consisted of self-loathing; on the part of which I seem to be the most socially awkward person when it comes to love. I don't know why I do it- fear of rejection I guess, if I were to put it in simple terms.

It's happened on several occasions where my friends get so frustrated with my awkwardness that they feel the need to start forcefully pushing me to talk to someone. The worst part is that after all of the embarrassment, it actually ends up going well. The entire time that I felt like I was being constricted by a boa was actually going to end up just fine. This time, it was the bassist of a band that was playing at The Depot. I had already talked to him, but this feeling comes powering out of me and I can't seem to process any meaningful thoughts or words. And my face turns red. And I run away. And my friends yell at me. And they start pushing me. And my body is in physical pain from the nerves that seem to be electrifying my body with a thousand bolts of unpleasant waves.

One time, Julian told me that I make my life too complicated. Of course, I looked at him like he was a crazy person. How or why could that make any sense? The ideal situation would be to have things simple, always working out in my favor. But after almost going to the brink of insanity, I did realize that I purposely destroy and ruin any relationship I have to work for; because it's easier to feel in control rather than trying and completely fucking up something up.

I am a noticeably difficult person to work with. People think that I'm well-composed and I have all of these brilliant fucking ideas on how to fix their lives/relationships, but when it comes down to it, I can't take my own advice. My problem isn't what I know to be smart, or right versus wrong. My problem is my own insecurities. I give people advice based off of who they are and what I know them to be. And honestly, all my friends are beautiful people that get most of the things that they want (and I don't feel this way about myself at all).

I'm changing and getting better about everything though. I was already aware of the fact that I string people along just because I can, and it's easy to. But when I actually feel something for someone, I seem unable to deal with it. It's really embarrassing sometimes. To not be able to say hi to someone without feeling the weight of the Earth crushing down on me.